I see my desk in a whole new light.

It’s been a tough week for me.

I officially got laid off on Monday. My last day at work is January 29th and even though I knew it was coming it’s been much more difficult to deal with than I originally thought it would be.

JP Morgan Chase officially bought WaMu on Sept. 29th and promised to let all employees know by December 1st if they would fall into one of three categories; eliminated positions, transitional employees and employees that would be asked to stay. I tried to assume the worst, that I would be in an eliminated position but hoped to be a transitional employee. It’s been a really long two months and the stress has worn on me more than I ever imagined it would. My sleep patterns are extremely varied and disrupted and my eating patterns are even worse. So as much as I looked forward to Monday and finding out what would happen it came as a pretty harsh blow when I found out that my position was eliminated. There are so many thoughts that go through your mind.

“How was the decision made to eliminate me but not my teammates?”
“Well, this is a great way to end eight years with a company.”
“If I feel this way after eight years how does so and so feel after over 25 years?”
“What am I going to do now?”

I sat at my desk on Monday after my meeting and I didn’t really know how to feel. Then I started to hear how long some of my colleagues would be here and that triggered a whole new set of questions and feelings. I know one thing for sure, my life as I know it is going to change.

The desk that I have looked at for 4 years won’t be mine anymore. The company I have loved for 8 years is gone. The wonderful people I work with won’t be at my new job. I left work early on Monday knowing that I was most likely going to cry about the job that I have loved for the most part and hated on several occasions.

I know that everything will be ok, that I will most likely find a better job and put myself in a better position to be the person that I want to be but all I knew was that I was extremely sad. I cried...a lot. This is a huge life change and I just wanted to be sad and I knew that I had to be sad for a little while and really FEEL what I was feeling instead of pushing it aside. So I did.

It’s horrible to call/text/IM people you love; family, friends, co-workers, and tell them that you finally know that you won’t have a job come February. Some of the responses I received honestly made me feel worse and others made me feel amazing. It’s one of those things where everyone handles it differently and no matter how hard people try to be sensitive someone is going to say what would make them feel better and it’s going to make you feel worse. But even with those responses all of them made me realize that the people who love and care about me are genuine and there for me.

I didn’t attempt to call my mom or dad right away because I knew if anyone would make me cry it would be one of them. So I got a text from my mom that read, “U have 2 months 2 think about what u want 2 do. God is always faithful. Love u, keep your eyes up.” That was almost enough to send me into tears. My mom has been through it...most people have no idea how much but she is always the first to tell me that God will get me through something. And I know that sometimes that can seem like the cheesy thing that someone is just telling you that you already know but my mom, she means it with all that she is because God has shown her time and time again that He will provide. So when you hear it from her it’s reassuring to know that even if you don’t believe it just yet, she’s going to believe it for you so that when it does happen you will see that God was there all along.

I also got a text from my little sister that said “im so sorry nicole…at least ur getting ur website 2gether. when 1 door closed another opens. ive learned that a lot. so dnt worry, everything will turn out ok. :)” For those of you who don’t know my sister is 17 and just had a baby and she has really had to learn life the hard way, and not just recently either. There’s something about someone so young who struggles so much telling you another door will open. I’m so proud of the person she’s become and when she sent that message she reminded me that we’ve been through so much and this is just another something and it’s gonna be alright.

Then there was an email from Natalie that arrived in my Inbox (which means it was also sent to my phone,) right when I was feeling pretty close to crying and she reminded me to stay faithful and that I have other aspirations for my life and that now is the time to look at those things and take the opportunity to pursue that. Sometimes those reminders are huge because it’s easy to be sad and forget the things that I haven’t been able to do that just might work out now that I’m not as busy and that’s an awesome thought.

There were messages from my Aunt Janet, Btown, Nicole, Candice, Stacy, Brenda, Chris D. and Lena that all reminded me that there are people praying for me and that God’s got me. Like Brenda said, even though I probably don’t want to hear it now, it’s really going to be ok. I’m so thankful for all of you.

There were also three people that I specifically asked to pray for me, I’m not huge on asking for prayer it’s just never really been my thing, but there are a few that I ask when I really need it because I know they are ready and willing to do it. So when I heard from Billy and he asked if I needed anything I asked him for prayer, because I know Billy knows me better than most people based on our relationship and that he probably had a pretty good idea of how I was/wasn’t handling things. His response “I will...PROMISE! BEST EVER!” That may not mean anything to you but it meant the world to me and of course made me cry, which for anyone who knows I cried almost everytime I sat in Billy’s office for a meeting so it was to be expected I guess. Haha.

Then there were my requests to Chris and Kirk to pray for me. Chris texted me after, I assume, he saw the last blog I posted to make sure I was ok. No matter how much or how little he sees/talks to me Chris is always one of the first people to check in on me when he sees/reads/hears something about me that causes him concern. I appreciate that more than he knows and it’s comfort in the little things that matter, like knowing that someone cares enough to call.

And then there is Kirk. I think I have to blog about Kirk’s text separately because it led to a much larger realization. Look for that next.

So I have had lots of time to think since Monday and it turns out that I’m still a major mess over the whole thing. (If you don’t believe it just ask Danny how many times I have called to ask business/money/financial planning/relocation/school, etc. questions. Haha.) I have so many feelings; happy, sad, frustrated, irritated, excited. And now...to top all of that off, I have a cold. (I think I am sick more than any other person I know.) It’s just been quite a week and I am looking forward to Friday afternoon where I can put the work week behind me. There is one thing that is for certain though...I have some amazing people in my life that are constant reminders that I am loved and that I am capable of so much more than I can even imagine and for that I am truly grateful.