con⋅fi⋅dent –adjective
| 1. | having strong belief or full assurance; sure: confident of fulfillment. |
| 2. | sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one's own abilities, correctness, successfulness, etc.; self-confident; bold: a confident speaker. |
| 3. | excessively bold; presumptuous. |
| 4. | Obsolete. trustful or confiding. |
I fully realized today the extent of my lack of confidence. I was on the website for Temple University's Tyler School of Art and I was reading the portfolio requirements for transfer students. I have copied them below for your perusal.
Transfer students seeking admission into the Tyler BFA program must submit a CD-ROM of at least 20 images that represent artwork from studio courses taken. All transfer applicants must include images of work that show five examples of drawing from observation regardless of the major you wish to pursue. If you have completed over 36 credits in studio art, and are applying for admission into a BFA major, it is important to include images of work that reflect preparation for that major. CD images should be in jpeg format, 72 dpi, no larger than 600 pixels in length or width. Do not place images in PowerPoint. Please include a text document describing the images submitted- this should be included on the CD.
The 20 images of artwork from studio courses taken...not a problem. It's the "five examples of drawing from observation" that freaks me out. I don't really enjoy drawing, I enjoy the outcome when I draw something really awesome and usually I am actually surprised that I am able to set out to draw something and actually do a fairly decent job. For example, this little robin. I'm actually proud of the cute lil' drawing. It came out much better than I had anticipated.
But here's the thing...I drew the robin from a photo. Sitting down and drawing anything while I'm looking at it, well it intimidates me to no end. Can I do it? Well, I have in the past. Do I want to do it? NO! I understand why they want to see drawings, I know that regardless of the area you choose drawing is the fundamental of all fundamentals.
So when I read that I would have to do FIVE observation drawings I freaked out. And I realized that I have no confidence in myself that I can actually do this. I realized it when I thought to myself, "I just need someone to tell me that I'm good enough."
Wait a minute...WHAT?!?! Who needs someone to tell them that they are good enough to achieve their life long dream? I mean, I want to do this like I have wanted to do nothing else in my life. I want to live art. I want to be successful in it. Everything in my life is lining up so that I have the opportunity to go to school and fulfill my dreams.
So why do I doubt my own abilities? It's all a lack of confidence. I've been realizing that I lack confidence in a lot of areas. I've noticed it, it's been brought to my attention by other people, I mean it's annoying. Sure I am confident in some things and those things that I am confident in I do excel in and that's because in those areas I actually believe in myself. Confidence is beautiful, bold, sexy, empowering. People love a confident person. It's something that attracts us to others whether it be mentors, partners, friends. Confidence is alluring.
So what do I do about this? I've decided I start believing in myself. I believe God gave me a gift and I need to use it. I believe this because I feel it. Other people see it and I think God has given me confirmation over and over that this is something I should pursue and he's given me an artist's mentality. He's given me the opportunity in so many ways to go after it now when it's never been the option before. It's so clear and I am not going to deny it. This is what I have to do and no set of portfolio requirements is going to stand in my way.
PERIOD.
I am going to believe in myself and in my abilities. I am going to transfer this belief to other parts of my life and live my life confident of the woman that I am. I know that right now confidence isn't something that's going to come easy to me, there's a lot going on and I honestly can't think or feel straight 95% of the time so it's going to be a little bit of a struggle but I refuse to lack the confidence I need to trust myself.
I refuse to let my dreams squash themselves because I won't let them happen. I REFUSE. God made me a confident woman and now I am going to believe in her.
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