Mess, mess, mess

My relationship with God...
My room...
My job...
My friendships...
My health
My life in general...

It all seems like this giant MESS!

I know if I work on the first on on that list that the rest will follow suit, (except for maybe my room because it's just the mess brought on by someone trying to pack up all their ish so they can put it all neatly in storage...and it's pretty hopeless.)

I'm reminded of the ravens. And of Nehemiah. God will provide, no matter how hard it gets. I truly believe that and it's something that I must just LIVE right now.

29 is knockin' at my door...man, when did I get this old???

The stache is back.

It seems like mustaches are making a huge comeback. I came across a blog entry on famous musician mustaches. I have to say that #1 is quite possibly the most amazing mustache I have ever seen.

There is a newer entry from this month containing the following photo. Now that's amazing!

I heart Kevin and Bean

I love listening to Kevin and Bean in the morning. I mean they really make my morning most of the time. I laugh, sometimes I cringe. But I have to say that I think their word for January has taken it a little too far. Kevin and Bean always give each month a dirty or suggestive name, but I must say "Vaganuary" that's just gross.

My weekend.

Was great. I needed a really good weekend to just relax and remember how wonderful my life really is...and it is. It's really amazing despite all of the changes I have going on.

So, here it is...

I'm gonna start with Thursday only because I had coffee with Matt and I have really been enjoying all of the time we have been able to spend together lately. It never ceases to amaze me that every time we get together for dinner or coffee it lasts at least two hours. I think more than half the time Matt just listens to me talk at him. haha.

Friday I was lucky enough to have Rosine's with Brenda. I got her since Jesse wasn't around for "date night." We had a great dinner, as usual. We talked about any and everything and caught up on life since we don't seem to see each other enough anymore. Bums me out but that's what happens when you have schedules like ours. I tried to get her to come to the show but she decided to stay home and write her Sunday morning sermon. LAME! I'm kidding! :)

After dinner I ventured out to Riverside with Tony and Bobby to see Faith Snakes play. I always enjoy watching those boys play and I realize that I have made some really wonderful friends because of those shows.

It was an all around great time followed by Santana's which was, well...yummy.

There's Tones. I love this dude. He always listens no matter what, even when it's things that shouldn't really be said and he never judges. Just says, "It's cool. I know how it is." He's good people.

Oh Bobby...you embrace your new found love for hip hop! Love it!

I was lucky enough to meet a lot of really wonderful people because of Katy. Joseph is one that I am thankful for more and more each time I see him.

haha...oh Tyler.

Dylan and Zack were matchies! I think Zack actually got mistaken for Dylan at least once.

Joseph's talking to Katy through the joys of my G1. I have no idea what time it was for her but that lucky girl got a phone call from Tony and got to chat with Joseph and I. I think we made her feel pretty special that night. Especially since she was bummed that she was missing the show.

There's Dylan! Between him and his AMAZING wifey, they have been friends to me in amazing ways. You ever have those nights when someone totally just tells you something that you need to hear? Dylan told me something that night that was something that I think I really needed to hear but had no idea that I needed to hear it until after he said it. I'm so happy to have them in my life.

Russell's gonna be a daddy again soon. It was so cool to sit and talk to him about his family. He's got the most adorable lil' girl and I'm sure his baby boy will be just as cute. It's so crazy to see people who are younger than I am with their families. I can't imagine having a kid but I see people like Dano, Dylan and Russell and it's crazy to me that they have these little kids in their lives. I know I can't imagine but that it's just God reminding me that different life paths, choices and of course, God's plans, totally differ for each and everyone one of us. That's so cool when you really think about it.


On to Saturday. I wanted to go see my friend Carina but first I had to go work at the second job. Once I got home I got ready to go out and meet them in Long Beach at Carina and Mike's. I was barefoot headed towards the kitchen in a hurry for some reason when I tried to clear the baby gate and kicked it with my right foot...HARD! I thought I was just being a big baby so I put on my shoes and headed out. Once I got to Long Beach it was off to The Dubliner. I'm not allowed to show pics from that night due to an incident that occured. (I'm gonna keep my promise Mike.)

I woke up Sunday morning to a toe that was turning black and a foot that was turning shades of greenish purplish. I guess I really did hurt my poor little toe. It was kind of hard to take a picture of because the flash but you can definitely see the wonderful color that my little toe was turning (it's like that on the inside and underneath,) and then it's kind of hard to see but my foot under that toe got two wonderful bruises about the same size as the baby gate's top bar. It is making it hard to walk and I suspect I broke that little toe. Sigh...I'm a mess as usual. So the silly toe made it hard to get out for much of anything, I had lunch with Matty and then came back home to do some work. I worked, decided to miss a show I really wanted to go to because of the toe, headed out to Furnace, had some BJ's with some friends and then came back home to work some more.

So yeah, there you have it! A wonderful weekend all in all. Hopefully next weekend can stack up!

Last weekend.

Was a clean weekend. Thanks to a bridal shower and a baby shower, I was showered out.

First up, the beautiful Stacy's bridal shower. We went to this amazing location in Ladera Ranch called TSpoons and we cooked tapas and had a sommelier teach us about wine. It was a ton of fun and we got some great recipes.

The beautiful bride to be, Stacy.


That's my partner in crime Misty. We had the task of creating Miso Marinated Beef Asparagus Wrap thingies. Misty did all of the cutting...and I did all of the pounding. It took us about an hour to cut all the asparagus and pound all of the meat but we had fun doing it. Even if we had to dodge flying pieces of raw beef.



After we all ate our tapas we moved it inside for chocolate mousse and the fireplace.

Nicole squared. We had a ton of fun together.

The next day it was on to Denise's baby shower. I can't wait to meet Levi. Here is Es holding Alanna. They're both adorable.

Then there is the beautiful mommy to be. Congratulations Denise!

I am blessed.

I am blessed with people who love and care about me and aren't afraid to let me know it.

I don't feel like myself lately.

And I really don't like that. I think in a lot of ways this feeling is me trying to not be vulnerable or afraid, but the truth is I am afraid. Don't get me wrong, I am positive that I will be ok, probably much better than ok, on the other side of all of this. But in the meantime, I'm afraid and insecure and stressed out and feeling so overwhelmed and crazy. I think this all translate into a Nicole who wants to appear to be fine on the outside but who says and does things that are kind of strange because I'm just trying to cover up what I'm really feeling. I think I have alienated some of the people I have just met because they don't know me and have no idea that I'm not usually this way. I just feel like I haven't really put my best foot forward with some people and that bothers me because I know who and how I really am.

Sigh...I just want to be me. Whether that's scared, happy, crazy for a day, sad. The problem now is, I just have to let myself.

So if you drive and talk on your cell phone...

you get a ticket.

Yep, I got my first ticket for being on my phone...and it's only $20!! I guess they get incrementally larger the more of them you get but I'm kind of ok with the $20 ticket. I did tell the officer, "I won't do it again." But then of course as soon as I turned the corner I got on my speaker phone and called the person who I was talking to when I got the ticket.

Will I ever learn?

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a really hard thing for me. I don't like to feel too vulnerable so I like to think I can, or try, to handle my life situations alone. But the truth of the matter is trying to handle some of my life situations alone only hurts myself. So, I guess this is my way of being vulnerable.

I am possibly the most afraid that I have ever been in my current life situation.

It's been a crazy few months. I know I have blogged about this before, but I think the bulk of my anxiety started in September when it became apparent that Washington Mutual, (who I work for,) wouldn't last much longer. Then on the 29th the FDIC seized the bank and WaMu became a part of JP Morgan Chase. We were told that all employees would know by December 1st if we were going to retained, eliminated or transitional employees. It was an extremely anxious time for me. I have worked at WaMu since January 15, 2001. Eight years. My only real job, and WaMu has been so good to me. To say I was scared is an understatement.

Put all of this anxiety on hold for another nerve racking experience. My newly 17 year old sister was due to have her baby in October. After the stress of planning a baby shower and her premature labor, my beautiful niece was born on the 17th. No matter what anyone says although my sister is not technically my responsibility that situation weighs heavy on me. I love her and that baby like no one can imagine. I can't explain the things my family has been through but to say it was bad is an understatement and to say that I love her with more of my heart than I can explain is also an understatement. So, to watch her have a baby and continually go through this experience has been so difficult. Don't get me wrong, Analee is a total blessing but there is nothing easy about a new baby.

Then comes preparation for the holidays. I really could have done without Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. As much as I love them both the stress of the holidays was almost too much.

But after Thanksgiving came December 1st, the day that I found out that my position was being eliminated. What this meant was I landed in the worst bucket and will be done with work on the 29th of January. I think so say that I was crushed is putting it lightly. I don't wish to trade places with anyone, or am I upset at the buckets my co-workers were put into, but I know that I have given so much to that place and how much I still continue to give and it's really difficult to take.
There are so many things that really upset me over it, like having to work on a project right up until the 29th, but the thing that gets me the most is the huge amount of uncertainty that is rapidly coming my way.

I have decided that now is the time to really, truly decide what I want to do. The great part of all of this is that I have the opportunity to start over and choose a life that is really what I want to do. That's also the scariest part of it. Do I go back to corporate America, do I go back to school, do I move out of state. What do I want to do? and what do I need to do? I am petrified that I will make the wrong decisions.

In addition to a new job I am going into a new living situation. I will be leaving where I live now and moving back to my mom's. That's a whole different set of emotions. I love my mom and we can get along most of the time but there are just some times when I can't handle her and vice versa. Then to put everything in storage and to sleep on their couch, it's really the best thing to do right now but it's also really hard. I want to be independent and support myself, and I know that I can, but while I take time to figure out what I want to do and take some time off work saving money anywhere I can will help.

The truth is I KNOW that everything is going to work out and that I am going to come out of this a much stronger, happier person. I know that I am a strong woman and I also know that I am really afraid of what is going to happen. I like to think that I can handle everything alone but the truth is, I can't. I'm not sleeping, eating or acting like myself. That's how I know that I am more affected by this than I think.

Well, I guess this is the closest I can get to vulnerability. I know that I would never talk about these things (or any of the other things that I can't post here,) that are going on with me. I just hate that I haven't been myself and that I'm not too sure how to just be me and be upset. So, if you see me and you can't quite figure out why I'm so quiet...just give me a hug and know that I appreciate it more than you could ever know.

11 days.

That's how many more days I have to come to work. Crazy.