I'm drawing again and it feels good.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thanks for ruining my day!
You know how sometimes one person has the power to push you off on the wrong foot? Today it was the girl at Starbucks that was making my latte. I understand completely that things get made out of order sometimes but how is it that you make things out of order but two of the people you are making drinks for came in AFTER I did and got the same thing! I mean really, you just called out two of the same drinks before mine and I had been there for about 7 minutes before they even walked in.
She put me in a foul mood. And it's completely irrational how that happens sometimes. I mean who really cares if I had to wait a few extra minutes but how does it set the tone for my WHOLE morning? It all comes down to the fact that God has been teaching me patience, I know it, He's made it VERY obvious the past few days. Jolene even had to laugh when I told her about it because she experienced it firsthand.
I'm trying real hard to not let a barista ruin my day...it's a slow process people...
She put me in a foul mood. And it's completely irrational how that happens sometimes. I mean who really cares if I had to wait a few extra minutes but how does it set the tone for my WHOLE morning? It all comes down to the fact that God has been teaching me patience, I know it, He's made it VERY obvious the past few days. Jolene even had to laugh when I told her about it because she experienced it firsthand.
I'm trying real hard to not let a barista ruin my day...it's a slow process people...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Jesus and rainy days.
I love rainy days. LOVE them! Days like today are nice, where it's just a sprinkling all day long, nothing to really worry too much about but just enough to be rainy and turn the heater on. I came out of church tonight and got to my car and it was covered in raindrops. It wasn't raining at that current moment in time but I just love sitting in my car and looking out at the world through those tiny little raindrops and seeing a rain soaked blur. You know how the lights look all dreamy and fuzzy through the rain, I love that. It's kind of like when you take your glasses off and you just see these blurs of light. I was at Crossroads tonight and they have a giant lit cross on the top of the sanctuary and it was amazing to look at through my rain soaked window. A reminder of God's amazing wonderful Son.
The message tonight was about Satan, and that's not really what hit me most of all. I mean the message was just fine but I was especially struck by a passage that most regular church goers are used to hearing.
"I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, I will spit you out of my mouth!" Revelation 3:15 - 16
The pastor tonight made a great point, if we are lukewarm then Satan doesn't even have to try because we are doing exactly what he wants. Passivity is the equivalent of turning your back on God and giving yourself over to the enemy because God doesn't want us like that. He doesn't want us to walk around being kind of affected by Him, or kind of living for Him. I mean the pastor gave all kinds of examples of lukewarm, none of which I can remember but it's the kind of thing that I think we can all have snippets of in our lives. Do I think I am a lukewarm Christian, not at all however I do think there are areas of my life that are lukewarm and it is these areas where I think I am vulnerable to Satan's attacks. I mean Romans 12:11 tells us to "serve the Lord enthusiastically." I mean I know I am not always enthusiastic about serving God. I mean I wish I could say I was always enthusiastic but I know that isn't the case. I want to be, and it's an area I can grow in but I know that this is an area of weakness for me. A place in my life where I leave room for Satan. A vulnerability, whether big or small, is all Satan needs.
Satan and evil have been heavy on my mind lately. My life is full of these cracks and crevices right now that I must choose to fill with God or they will be filled for me by something else. I know God protects me at all times because I am a child of God however I also know that when the enemy attacks he finds our weaknesses because he knows them and he preys on our fears and these areas where we fail to find our trust in God. There have been all of these occurrences lately where I find the enemy attacking me in ways that scare me. In my personal space, in my dreams. Those places that you can protect from everyone else, everyone except God and Satan. They can get in those places where the people you encounter can not unless you invite them. (Well, your dreams are a little different but you know what I mean.) I am thankful for the people around me who remind me that I am protected by God and that I can fix all of this. I can ask God to come and protect me and tell the enemy to leave. I have that power, Jesus gave it to all of us, and I'm thankful that I have power over my life, over my fears, over the enemy. I just wish I would remember it more often.
I feel this need to pour myself into God, into His word, into His people. It's a need I haven't felt in a long time. That's an honest admission, I haven't longed for God like this in a long time. Oddly I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. I was given prophetic word by an amazing man of God and he told me a couple of things that made a lot of sense to me. Helped me to understand this crazy phenomenon where I feel amazingly close to God without all the "work." There has been very little church, even less bible, in my recent weeks but I have this closeness to God that feels so heavy even when I feel so burdened by these things of evil. It doesn't make any sense and when Jason said to me that I was moving closer to God and his heart I was a little confused, but then he said that as I move closer to certain people my heart will continue to move closer to God's heart. It made perfect sense. I even think I know who it is that is allowing me to move closer to God because it's these people that constantly remind me of God and who He is and I think I move towards Him in ways I haven't in a long time because they give me a peace I can't find anywhere else. Jason also mentioned that it's going to kind of feel like God has kind of removed people for me to take care of and that's because God wants to take some time to kind of love on me. Maybe this is where I have been finding so much peace lately, in God's love. Because it's true, everyone seems to be doing pretty ok right now. The normal people who need me...well they don't.
I'm just overwhelmed by God's spirit tonight. His love and affection for his people, for me. I have this intense desire to work on some things that until now have seemed, well I just haven't wanted to honestly work on correcting them. Whether it is my relationship with God, with other people or my own personal issues. I am delighted by God tonight. Here in this place, this weird place of transition and uncomfortableness, I am delighted. I will not be overcome by evil, but I will overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21
"Lord I'm amazed by you, and how you love me."
The message tonight was about Satan, and that's not really what hit me most of all. I mean the message was just fine but I was especially struck by a passage that most regular church goers are used to hearing.
"I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, I will spit you out of my mouth!" Revelation 3:15 - 16
The pastor tonight made a great point, if we are lukewarm then Satan doesn't even have to try because we are doing exactly what he wants. Passivity is the equivalent of turning your back on God and giving yourself over to the enemy because God doesn't want us like that. He doesn't want us to walk around being kind of affected by Him, or kind of living for Him. I mean the pastor gave all kinds of examples of lukewarm, none of which I can remember but it's the kind of thing that I think we can all have snippets of in our lives. Do I think I am a lukewarm Christian, not at all however I do think there are areas of my life that are lukewarm and it is these areas where I think I am vulnerable to Satan's attacks. I mean Romans 12:11 tells us to "serve the Lord enthusiastically." I mean I know I am not always enthusiastic about serving God. I mean I wish I could say I was always enthusiastic but I know that isn't the case. I want to be, and it's an area I can grow in but I know that this is an area of weakness for me. A place in my life where I leave room for Satan. A vulnerability, whether big or small, is all Satan needs.
Satan and evil have been heavy on my mind lately. My life is full of these cracks and crevices right now that I must choose to fill with God or they will be filled for me by something else. I know God protects me at all times because I am a child of God however I also know that when the enemy attacks he finds our weaknesses because he knows them and he preys on our fears and these areas where we fail to find our trust in God. There have been all of these occurrences lately where I find the enemy attacking me in ways that scare me. In my personal space, in my dreams. Those places that you can protect from everyone else, everyone except God and Satan. They can get in those places where the people you encounter can not unless you invite them. (Well, your dreams are a little different but you know what I mean.) I am thankful for the people around me who remind me that I am protected by God and that I can fix all of this. I can ask God to come and protect me and tell the enemy to leave. I have that power, Jesus gave it to all of us, and I'm thankful that I have power over my life, over my fears, over the enemy. I just wish I would remember it more often.
I feel this need to pour myself into God, into His word, into His people. It's a need I haven't felt in a long time. That's an honest admission, I haven't longed for God like this in a long time. Oddly I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. I was given prophetic word by an amazing man of God and he told me a couple of things that made a lot of sense to me. Helped me to understand this crazy phenomenon where I feel amazingly close to God without all the "work." There has been very little church, even less bible, in my recent weeks but I have this closeness to God that feels so heavy even when I feel so burdened by these things of evil. It doesn't make any sense and when Jason said to me that I was moving closer to God and his heart I was a little confused, but then he said that as I move closer to certain people my heart will continue to move closer to God's heart. It made perfect sense. I even think I know who it is that is allowing me to move closer to God because it's these people that constantly remind me of God and who He is and I think I move towards Him in ways I haven't in a long time because they give me a peace I can't find anywhere else. Jason also mentioned that it's going to kind of feel like God has kind of removed people for me to take care of and that's because God wants to take some time to kind of love on me. Maybe this is where I have been finding so much peace lately, in God's love. Because it's true, everyone seems to be doing pretty ok right now. The normal people who need me...well they don't.
I'm just overwhelmed by God's spirit tonight. His love and affection for his people, for me. I have this intense desire to work on some things that until now have seemed, well I just haven't wanted to honestly work on correcting them. Whether it is my relationship with God, with other people or my own personal issues. I am delighted by God tonight. Here in this place, this weird place of transition and uncomfortableness, I am delighted. I will not be overcome by evil, but I will overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21
"Lord I'm amazed by you, and how you love me."
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I know Brenda will agree.
The smell of orange blossoms in South Corona is quite possibly the best smell ever. I'm not sure if it's just the Corona trees or if it smells the same every where else there are orange trees, but every year I think about how I just want to bottle it up and take it everywhere with me. It's such a fresh and new smell. I just can't get enough of it.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Urban Dictionary
On my birthday here was the Urban Word of the Day, which was pretty fitting since it's exactly me for the past month or two. Trust me, I think Matt and Jolene can testify that I'm all kinds of crazy lately.
Now I don't smoke weed so when I start to hallucinate there really is no other reason except that I am SO tired. Sleep is a luxury my body won't give me...and it's gettting worse not better. I'm so tired of hearing my phone ring...except that it's not. I swear I hear it though...
February 18: tired high
a state of altered perception brought on by a lack of sleep
when he started to hallucinate he wasn't sure if it was the weed or if he was just tired high
Now I don't smoke weed so when I start to hallucinate there really is no other reason except that I am SO tired. Sleep is a luxury my body won't give me...and it's gettting worse not better. I'm so tired of hearing my phone ring...except that it's not. I swear I hear it though...
My life feels so compartmentalized.
This could be because practically everything is in some sort of storage container now. Moving is so much work and I am determined to do it in the most organized and neat way that I can. So that means a lot of storage containers and of course packing.
This is actually better than it was. You can see the lovely walkway I left for myself. Luckily I made another trip to the storage unit today and my closet is officially 99.99% empty. Those pesky hangers have a lovely box waiting for them.
It's so weird to look in my closet which used to be EXTREMELY full and see nothing really. It makes me feel like I am making progress which is awesome since I should be out of my wonderful room by Friday. Only four more days. I'm gonna miss it here.
Then there is that wonderful thing that happens when you move...you find your old stuff that you totally forgot you have. Like the box with those crazy wooden transvestite disco clubbin' shoes that you bought randomly in HB and have worn once.
(Yes, I actually wore them once, it was Halloween and I was some kind of retro sixties Black Panther I think. Like "Power to the People" Black Panther, not like a cat.) Maybe I can find a picture somewhere....yep...sure did.
There they are...it really is my feet. You'll just have to believe me because although I look perfectly fine in this photo it's somewhat embarrassing for the Playboy bunny and bumblebee who share the photo with me. And yes, I fell down in those and had to hold Cindy's hand like the entire night.
But it was pretty cool being so tall for once.
Then there is the awesome leather suitcase that belonged to my great grandfather. The kind that you are sure has to have some cool travel story because it just looks like it does. Maybe it was the only suitcase he had when he came to California. It's pretty awesome and some day when I have my own place I'll proudly put it out somehow.
There it is, his name and address here in Cali. AC Guthary, 16673 San Bernadino, Fontana Calif.
Oh and of course, it's a Samsonite.
I can't believe moving day is almost here...
This is actually better than it was. You can see the lovely walkway I left for myself. Luckily I made another trip to the storage unit today and my closet is officially 99.99% empty. Those pesky hangers have a lovely box waiting for them.
It's so weird to look in my closet which used to be EXTREMELY full and see nothing really. It makes me feel like I am making progress which is awesome since I should be out of my wonderful room by Friday. Only four more days. I'm gonna miss it here.
Then there is that wonderful thing that happens when you move...you find your old stuff that you totally forgot you have. Like the box with those crazy wooden transvestite disco clubbin' shoes that you bought randomly in HB and have worn once.
(Yes, I actually wore them once, it was Halloween and I was some kind of retro sixties Black Panther I think. Like "Power to the People" Black Panther, not like a cat.) Maybe I can find a picture somewhere....yep...sure did.
There they are...it really is my feet. You'll just have to believe me because although I look perfectly fine in this photo it's somewhat embarrassing for the Playboy bunny and bumblebee who share the photo with me. And yes, I fell down in those and had to hold Cindy's hand like the entire night.
But it was pretty cool being so tall for once.
Then there is the awesome leather suitcase that belonged to my great grandfather. The kind that you are sure has to have some cool travel story because it just looks like it does. Maybe it was the only suitcase he had when he came to California. It's pretty awesome and some day when I have my own place I'll proudly put it out somehow.
There it is, his name and address here in Cali. AC Guthary, 16673 San Bernadino, Fontana Calif.
Oh and of course, it's a Samsonite.
I can't believe moving day is almost here...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Oh, one more thing...
29 also isn't very easy on the old joints and body. I'm so achy and old lady feeling, I can't imagine how 40 will feel. My dad told me, and I quote "Just you wait, it gets worse!" Awesome advice from my 55 year old pops who will be 56 just three days after I turn 29. He gets the best present each and every year! ;)
Oh...and I have this new thing where my toes go numb. Which scares the crap out of me because bad circulation in your feet is why diabetic people get their feet removed! Aaah!
Oh...and I have this new thing where my toes go numb. Which scares the crap out of me because bad circulation in your feet is why diabetic people get their feet removed! Aaah!
The big 2-9
I'm turning 29 very, very soon and I'm kind of freaking out.
Not like mid life crisis freaking out but more like I can't believe I'm turning 29 freaking out. I think it's kind of like the big 3-0 but worse, (or so I think now but ask me next year when I'm turning 30...holy crap...I'll be 30!)
There are all of these things that pop into my head about 29, I mean it's so close to 30 which just sounds old. I mean it's not really...but it sure sounds like it. Then I keep hearing well 30 is the new 20...and I don't want to be 20 again! I know people say that to try to make me feel better but the getting older part isn't really the hardest part. I like getting older. I mean as much as I still have to learn about so many things I do get wiser as I get older and I'm a much happier me than I was even last year.
So then why is 29 proving to be so difficult for me to swallow???
I'm gonna try my best to put into words what I am feeling and why I think this year is well, probably one of the worst birthdays I can remember...and it hasn't even happened yet! First there is the turmoil that is my job. You're laid off...you're not laid off...then you're laid off. I'm going to be turning 29 and as much as my job wasn't really what I wanted to be doing with my life it was a great job and now I'm not going to have a job at all. That's exciting and scary all at once. I don't even want to begin to focus on the stress that is going to come with resumes, interviews and job hunting. It's just around the corner and I'm faced with figuring out what exactly it is I want to do first. Do I want to go back to corporate America? Not really. It's just really not where I picture myself forever but the money is good so do I suffer through a corporate job for a few more years or do I do something different? Then there's the option of school, should I go back to school and finish what I originally went to college for, my art degree. I would love to teach art at the college level and let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger and there's at least two years of school before I could even do that but it's my dream. Always has been, no matter how much I pushed it aside. God made me happiest when I'm creating. But the prospect of another round of college; classes, school loans, a job that works with my school schedule, years of my life...it's a tough place to go back to.
Then there is moving home with my mom. It's really the absolute best option right now but it's not where anyone wants to be at 29...living with their parents. I hope I can make the best decisions for my life in the 2-3 months after I finish work and really only stay with my mom for that short amount of time because I think either she or I will probably kill one another if I stay too much longer than that. Honestly, my mom loves me and I love her but I know it's not going to be an easy adjustment. Then add my 17 year old sister and her 5 month old to the mix and I know there will be arguments that I can't even imagine. Lord, give me strength and most of all patience, because we all know I get frustrated in about the blink of an eye.
So while living with my mom I am forced to face the prospect of moving...to...fill in the blank. The world is my oyster! I can literally move anywhere but I am looking at Seattle and Portland and San Diego and Long Beach and longingly at San Francisco. Places that have schools that could fufill my dreams and cultures that will fill my mind and soul. The only problem is that going to school out of state is extremely expensive and going to school in CA is looking difficult with the amount of schools not accepting second baccalaureate candidates. It's scary to move away but I also think it would be a really wonderful thing for me. I just can't imagine not being able to see this beautiful face whenever I wanted to.
Then there is the whole reflection on my life thing that seems to come with every birthday for me, or the New Year for some people. I just don't feel like my life is what it should be at 29. I feel like such a kid in so many ways and that's not a good thing. I feel like I should have my own place by now, I should be working towards the things I want in life and like I'm so far behind without a husband or kids. I know that there is no rule that says "hey, by now you should be married with a house," and trust me I am more than happy just taking care of me and only me but when I spend my time at weddings and bridal showers and baby showers and bachelorette parties you can't help but see that pretty soon I'm going to be the only single one in my group of friends. It's just a kind of weird sensation. Plus my grandma telling me that my eggs are gonna dry up doesnt really help much either. haha.
I just want to feel like I have accomplished what I think I should have. I feel so ungrateful when I say that. It's a statement that makes me seem ungrateful for the things I have accomplished that God has so wonderfully given to me. I realize that there are many things that I have done that make me an accomplished, strong 29 year old woman but I guess it's a testament to my character to think that I haven't done enough and I know that I am not done yet. There is so much more I want to do and God willing I will accomplish it all.
I guess where I am in life right at this very moment dictates part of what is making 29 seem like it's such a hard pill to swallow. I'm young and old all at once in my head. (Apparently my looks haven't aged a day over 17 since I got carded at the movie theater the other night. I was so confused and I couldn't believe it!) I feel so accomplished yet at the same time I feel like I haven't completed anything. I'm losing my job and I'm moving in with my mom, yet I am thankful for where I am in life. I am so freaking uncomfortable and stressed out it's unreal. I sleep very little or not at all. I mean I actually find myself angry at the tv when the paid programming starts to come on at about 1 or 2 in the morning because that means I can't mindlessly lie in bed and watch television. Packing my room is so ridiculous and stressful. I'm just a mess. And pretty soon I'm just going to be a 29 year old mess.
Sigh...where does the time go?
Not like mid life crisis freaking out but more like I can't believe I'm turning 29 freaking out. I think it's kind of like the big 3-0 but worse, (or so I think now but ask me next year when I'm turning 30...holy crap...I'll be 30!)
There are all of these things that pop into my head about 29, I mean it's so close to 30 which just sounds old. I mean it's not really...but it sure sounds like it. Then I keep hearing well 30 is the new 20...and I don't want to be 20 again! I know people say that to try to make me feel better but the getting older part isn't really the hardest part. I like getting older. I mean as much as I still have to learn about so many things I do get wiser as I get older and I'm a much happier me than I was even last year.
So then why is 29 proving to be so difficult for me to swallow???
I'm gonna try my best to put into words what I am feeling and why I think this year is well, probably one of the worst birthdays I can remember...and it hasn't even happened yet! First there is the turmoil that is my job. You're laid off...you're not laid off...then you're laid off. I'm going to be turning 29 and as much as my job wasn't really what I wanted to be doing with my life it was a great job and now I'm not going to have a job at all. That's exciting and scary all at once. I don't even want to begin to focus on the stress that is going to come with resumes, interviews and job hunting. It's just around the corner and I'm faced with figuring out what exactly it is I want to do first. Do I want to go back to corporate America? Not really. It's just really not where I picture myself forever but the money is good so do I suffer through a corporate job for a few more years or do I do something different? Then there's the option of school, should I go back to school and finish what I originally went to college for, my art degree. I would love to teach art at the college level and let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger and there's at least two years of school before I could even do that but it's my dream. Always has been, no matter how much I pushed it aside. God made me happiest when I'm creating. But the prospect of another round of college; classes, school loans, a job that works with my school schedule, years of my life...it's a tough place to go back to.
Then there is moving home with my mom. It's really the absolute best option right now but it's not where anyone wants to be at 29...living with their parents. I hope I can make the best decisions for my life in the 2-3 months after I finish work and really only stay with my mom for that short amount of time because I think either she or I will probably kill one another if I stay too much longer than that. Honestly, my mom loves me and I love her but I know it's not going to be an easy adjustment. Then add my 17 year old sister and her 5 month old to the mix and I know there will be arguments that I can't even imagine. Lord, give me strength and most of all patience, because we all know I get frustrated in about the blink of an eye.
So while living with my mom I am forced to face the prospect of moving...to...fill in the blank. The world is my oyster! I can literally move anywhere but I am looking at Seattle and Portland and San Diego and Long Beach and longingly at San Francisco. Places that have schools that could fufill my dreams and cultures that will fill my mind and soul. The only problem is that going to school out of state is extremely expensive and going to school in CA is looking difficult with the amount of schools not accepting second baccalaureate candidates. It's scary to move away but I also think it would be a really wonderful thing for me. I just can't imagine not being able to see this beautiful face whenever I wanted to.
Then there is the whole reflection on my life thing that seems to come with every birthday for me, or the New Year for some people. I just don't feel like my life is what it should be at 29. I feel like such a kid in so many ways and that's not a good thing. I feel like I should have my own place by now, I should be working towards the things I want in life and like I'm so far behind without a husband or kids. I know that there is no rule that says "hey, by now you should be married with a house," and trust me I am more than happy just taking care of me and only me but when I spend my time at weddings and bridal showers and baby showers and bachelorette parties you can't help but see that pretty soon I'm going to be the only single one in my group of friends. It's just a kind of weird sensation. Plus my grandma telling me that my eggs are gonna dry up doesnt really help much either. haha.
I just want to feel like I have accomplished what I think I should have. I feel so ungrateful when I say that. It's a statement that makes me seem ungrateful for the things I have accomplished that God has so wonderfully given to me. I realize that there are many things that I have done that make me an accomplished, strong 29 year old woman but I guess it's a testament to my character to think that I haven't done enough and I know that I am not done yet. There is so much more I want to do and God willing I will accomplish it all.
I guess where I am in life right at this very moment dictates part of what is making 29 seem like it's such a hard pill to swallow. I'm young and old all at once in my head. (Apparently my looks haven't aged a day over 17 since I got carded at the movie theater the other night. I was so confused and I couldn't believe it!) I feel so accomplished yet at the same time I feel like I haven't completed anything. I'm losing my job and I'm moving in with my mom, yet I am thankful for where I am in life. I am so freaking uncomfortable and stressed out it's unreal. I sleep very little or not at all. I mean I actually find myself angry at the tv when the paid programming starts to come on at about 1 or 2 in the morning because that means I can't mindlessly lie in bed and watch television. Packing my room is so ridiculous and stressful. I'm just a mess. And pretty soon I'm just going to be a 29 year old mess.
Sigh...where does the time go?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
99.9% of the time.
I am tired 99.9% of the time. Even when I'm sleeping I think I'm still tired. I need REST. True rest.
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