Confidence

Dictionary.com lists the following definition for the word confident:

con⋅fi⋅dent –adjective

1.	having strong belief or full assurance; sure: confident of fulfillment.

2.	sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one's own abilities, correctness, successfulness, etc.; self-confident; bold: a confident speaker.

3.	excessively bold; presumptuous.

4.	Obsolete. trustful or confiding.

I fully realized today the extent of my lack of confidence. I was on the website for Temple University's Tyler School of Art and I was reading the portfolio requirements for transfer students. I have copied them below for your perusal.

Transfer students seeking admission into the Tyler BFA program must submit a CD-ROM of at least 20 images that represent artwork from studio courses taken. All transfer applicants must include images of work that show five examples of drawing from observation regardless of the major you wish to pursue. If you have completed over 36 credits in studio art, and are applying for admission into a BFA major, it is important to include images of work that reflect preparation for that major. CD images should be in jpeg format, 72 dpi, no larger than 600 pixels in length or width. Do not place images in PowerPoint. Please include a text document describing the images submitted- this should be included on the CD.

The 20 images of artwork from studio courses taken...not a problem. It's the "five examples of drawing from observation" that freaks me out. I don't really enjoy drawing, I enjoy the outcome when I draw something really awesome and usually I am actually surprised that I am able to set out to draw something and actually do a fairly decent job. For example, this little robin. I'm actually proud of the cute lil' drawing. It came out much better than I had anticipated.

But here's the thing...I drew the robin from a photo. Sitting down and drawing anything while I'm looking at it, well it intimidates me to no end. Can I do it? Well, I have in the past. Do I want to do it? NO! I understand why they want to see drawings, I know that regardless of the area you choose drawing is the fundamental of all fundamentals.

So when I read that I would have to do FIVE observation drawings I freaked out. And I realized that I have no confidence in myself that I can actually do this. I realized it when I thought to myself, "I just need someone to tell me that I'm good enough."

Wait a minute...WHAT?!?! Who needs someone to tell them that they are good enough to achieve their life long dream? I mean, I want to do this like I have wanted to do nothing else in my life. I want to live art. I want to be successful in it. Everything in my life is lining up so that I have the opportunity to go to school and fulfill my dreams.

So why do I doubt my own abilities? It's all a lack of confidence. I've been realizing that I lack confidence in a lot of areas. I've noticed it, it's been brought to my attention by other people, I mean it's annoying. Sure I am confident in some things and those things that I am confident in I do excel in and that's because in those areas I actually believe in myself. Confidence is beautiful, bold, sexy, empowering. People love a confident person. It's something that attracts us to others whether it be mentors, partners, friends. Confidence is alluring.

So what do I do about this? I've decided I start believing in myself. I believe God gave me a gift and I need to use it. I believe this because I feel it. Other people see it and I think God has given me confirmation over and over that this is something I should pursue and he's given me an artist's mentality. He's given me the opportunity in so many ways to go after it now when it's never been the option before. It's so clear and I am not going to deny it. This is what I have to do and no set of portfolio requirements is going to stand in my way.

PERIOD.

I am going to believe in myself and in my abilities. I am going to transfer this belief to other parts of my life and live my life confident of the woman that I am. I know that right now confidence isn't something that's going to come easy to me, there's a lot going on and I honestly can't think or feel straight 95% of the time so it's going to be a little bit of a struggle but I refuse to lack the confidence I need to trust myself.

I refuse to let my dreams squash themselves because I won't let them happen. I REFUSE. God made me a confident woman and now I am going to believe in her.

I had forgotten...

I put my old glasses on for the first time today in a long time. I had forgotten how much I like them.

I'm kind of afraid to post this one.

I adore my gay and lesbian friends. I don't like to classify my friends by their sexual orientation, gender, race, ethnicity, etc. but this blog is more about something that I discovered while I was on my trip in Seattle so for this blog I guess I'll have to.


I met up with a lot of friends while I was in Seattle, and I would say that roughly half of the people I wanted to see while I was in Seattle happen to be gay. Now I'll be the first person to admit...I have horrible gaydar. I think that it's more that I don't really care if you're gay or straight and that translates into me not being very good at being able to tell what other people's sexual proclivities are. (Which, by the way, I am totally fine with.) But if you expect me to know you're gay or lesbian and you haven't told me, chances are...I'll have no idea when you finally decide to tell me.


I came to this realization when a former co-worker of mine asked me if I knew when we worked together that he was gay. I was kind of stuck on how to respond...so I was honest, I just said, "I don't know, I guess I didn't really care and I never really thought about it." Which was a fine answer and I think he was just more curious than anything else. But when we got home I said to Melanie, "He doesn't really seem gay does he?" and Melanie said "Well, I don't like to think of people that way. I would never say 'Well, he doesn't really act black does he?'"


Ouch! Man, I felt so stupid. I guess I was just glad that I hadn't said that in front of other people but it's so true. I felt so stupid and ignorant because I knew better than to say something like that. I think that the media's portrayal of gay men and women has permeated my thinking and I don't even realize that I have put some aspect of this whole group of people in a box. I like to think that I don't judge people on their anything, and I know that sometimes we make judgments that we don't even realize we are making (please see above comment,) but I guess I am glad that at least I realize that I have to be more sensitive to what I say.


It all comes down to one thing, I ADORE my gay and lesbian friends. They are all wonderful people who have treated me with nothing but love and respect. They are wonderful friends, family members, parents, etc. I don't judge them for their lifestyle and they don't judge me for mine.


Please don't make any assumptions on how I feel about this topic without asking me first however without getting into any of my feelings about whether "being gay" is right or wrong, I will say this, it's no secret to anyone that I believe in Christ and his message and the bible but I also believe it's not my place to pass judgment on anyone. I don't love you any less because you are a liar, cheater, lustful, etc. and I would not love my gay and lesbian friends any less because someone thinks they are committing a sin. And more importantly I don't believe Christ would love anyone less for any sin they commit because when it all comes down to it we are all sinners.


I know that there are people who would say "Well the bible says that it's wrong." Well the bible also says that a ton of other things are wrong too and I know people who do a lot of those things on a daily basis, me included, so why would I judge anyone for doing any of those things? Gay or straight you could still be a liar, cheater, lustful, etc. It's really that simple, unless you do something to me that would make me question if your friendship is right for me, then I have no right to say your lifestyle is reason enough for me not to be associated with you.


I do have to admit to one thing that I do feel that I know is somewhat controversial and could get me into hot water with some people but I met a person once who chose to ignore their feelings towards the same sex to pursue a family because they don't feel that being a homosexual person is right. This person is religious and feels that their feelings towards the same sex is just their issue to deal with, just like you and I might deal with addiction or lying or promiscuity.

I'm not arguing for or against born gay versus choosing to be gay because for me that really isn't the point. I just think everything is a choice. This person has taught me that you can choose to have a different life if that is what you want. Everything is a choice. I step outside the house and choose every single day not to be the person I once was. I loved a lot of who I was...it was fun, free, very different than who I am now and it's a difficult choice not to be that person each and every day for several reasons.

So this amazing person has taught me through their decision to be a heterosexual family person who deals with the choice to stifle their homosexual desires that a choice to be who you desire to be is for everyone to make. This person is not right or wrong for choosing to be gay or straight, this person is a person who made a choice, a choice they stand behind each and everyday and are happy about. It was never was an easy choice and for them it is a struggle each and everyday that is easier some days and harder on others, just like the choices we make each and everyday to stifle our desires aren't easy, but it was the best choice for them. I think as long as we are making the best choices for ourselves we must then choose to be happy with those choices regardless of what other people think.

I didn't write this blog to upset anyone. I wrote it because it's something that I want to be able to read later and remember how I felt about this topic right now at this place in my life. This isn't a viewpoint I've always held and I don't know if I always will but I do know this, I love the people in my life and I am blessed by their relationships and their presence in my life...gay, straight or otherwise.

Lost in the shuffle...

Do you ever wonder why you get that feeling?

Is it me?

Is it them?

Whatever it is...its a bummer.

"I don't wanna live here."

I went to Seattle and Portland not just to visit but to figure out if the Pacific Northwest is where I want to make my next move to. Come to find out...

I don't want to live there.

I'm not sure why. I wish I could be say "it's this, this and this" but I honestly don't know. It just doesn't feel right for me. Which is kind of odd because I really love both Seattle and Portland. They are both gorgeous places, there are trees and mountains and water and bridges everywhere. There is AMAZING food which is extremely important to me and they are both very artistic places. On paper, so many things about both of those places seem 100% right but I can't deny the fact that I didn't feel it when I was there.

It's been kind of blowing my mind. A year or two ago I think I would have moved without question. So what changed? I thought I still wanted the same things in the place I move to but apparently I don't. Maybe it's the people or the big city. I would say maybe it's the weather but for the most part it was pretty nice while I was there and I can't really complain about the weather. I've never experienced the never ending days of rain. I'm not sure what it is.

I went to check out an art school in Portland and it really was exactly what I'm looking for. A small arts and craft college with an older student body and it was amazing. Made me want to be at school tomorrow and learning how to be a better artist. That said, it still didn't make Portland seem right.

I'm hoping that once I figure out where I want to go the why of "not Seattle" or "not Portland" will make more sense. I find myself being drawn more and more to the midwest and east. To smaller big cities and a slower pace. There are a lot of schools for me to go see in lots of different places. Hopefully one will speak to me and I'll be on my way.

Homeless and Heartless

Alright here goes the first of blogs based on mini epiphanies I had on my vacation.

There are a lot of homeless people in Seattle and even more in Portland.

If you live here in So Cal, (minus LA,) I think we forget how large the homeless population really is because we actually live in the state that has been called the meanest to homeless and I think that since California is extremely non tolerant we don't really see a large homeless problem because, although it exists, we don't like to see them walking around our cities. It's almost like out of sight, out of mind.

Seattle and Portland are very different. There are homeless people everywhere and I'll be the first to admit I'm a sucker for a homeless person. Melanie got to see this first hand as we walked around Seattle and Portland and I gave money or food to almost every person that asked. It was kind of funny because I think Melanie was getting, at the very least, frustrated with me. She was pretty sure that none of those people were going to use the money for the things they said they were. I experienced the same thing when Katy was visiting from London. Coming from another place with a large population of beggars, she does not agree with me giving homeless people money. But I'll be the first person to hand over the $2 hanging out in my wallet or if I don't have small bills as Melanie witnessed first hand, I'll hand over my $5 bills too.

Now, don't get me wrong I don't for one second fault Melanie, Katy, or any else who doesn't give money to homeless people. Using Katy and Melanie as examples they are both wonderful loving people who care deeply about others and they are not wrong when they say that many people who ask for the money make a living that way. They make a living off people like me.

The difference for me is that I don't care. That may sound silly but I don't really worry or concern myself with what they are going to do with the $5 or half a pizza I gave to them. I guess I like to be positive and think that they are going to use the money for food like they said, but honestly if they took that $5 and bought beer I would still give it to them.

My way of thinking really changed when I read, Red Letters: Living a Faith that Bleeds by Tom Davis. The first chapter opens with their team in Russia and they come across a 12 - 13 year old boy who is wearing tattered clothes and he is speaking to them in Russian, which only their translator understands.

"But we did understand the voices inside our heads that spoke with equal measures of cynicism and sad resignation. Just another worthless beggar. If we gave him money, he'd probably spend it on drugs or cigarettes. If the kid really wanted help, there are plenty of shelters that could feed him or offer him a place to sleep." So Tom Davis did what so many of us do...he walked away. But he said something in his head told him to "act in a way consistent with the Savior I follow."

So he grabbed the translator and hollered for the kid and started with the simplest question, "What's your name?" Davis said, "He was no longer a beggar on the street. He was a little boy with a name...He had a story to tell. A story filled with pain and heartache. A story marked by hunger and homelessness...Just a little boy." The boy asks for Davis for help, for food, and Davis said that same voice in his head popped up and said "He'll probably buy vodka if I give him money. That inner voice - it's mine. And it very well could be speaking the truth. But it's not the voice I want to hear. I want to hear Jesus. Did he put conditions on the help he offered?"

So Davis gave money to the boy, enough for food and a bus ride to his organization, Children's Hope Chest's office in Russia and watched the boy walk away into the night. According to the story about an hour later Davis got a call from the organization saying the boy had arrived and that they would find him a safe place to live.

"My cynical inner voice was silenced."

It's an amazing story to me. One that goes much deeper than that because Davis goes on to talk about how that little boy became Jesus. Davis says he spends each day looking for Jesus because Jesus was an advocate for the helpless and in Matthew 25:40 Jesus said "Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me, you did it to me." So Davis believes that we can find God in the lives of the poor.

It's an awesome concept. And when I started that book it seems like about two years ago I was blown away. I know this much, that $2 in my pocket means very little to me. For the most part I would have to use it in addition to more money to buy something that I would like but for someone who has no food, no money, it's lunch and maybe dinner too. I could worry all day long about whether or not that $2 was used for food, or if that half a pizza I gave to a guy outside of Rite Aid in Portland was eaten or trashed but honestly it doesn't matter. I'm doing my best to live my life in a way that makes me feel like I am doing all that I can and in those little situations to be like Jesus and sometimes I think it's one of the easiest ways to help. And who knows, maybe someday my $2 will restore someones faith in humanity, or bring someone who's normally passed with disgust and annoyance a small amount of joy or fill the stomach of a person who hasn't had real food in days.

I'm not naive, I know many of the people who benefitted from the probably $40 worth of hand outs I gave in about a five day period will not use it on things they said they will. I know there are people who make a good living begging on the side of the freeway pulling at our heartstrings with their sad signs. But it's not my place to decide how they use that money or food and I'm ok with that.

I just challenge you to think...does it really matter if they use that money for what they say they will or does it matter that you did all you could in that moment?

I think there are a lot of things we can do and my friend Chris actually posted an awesome three part blog on something similar. I read it as I was mulling over all of this in Seattle and he brings up some pretty great point. You can get to his blog here, or you can click on the three links below if you want to go directly to each post.

As Yourself. Part One.
As Yourself, Part Two.
As Yourself, Part Three.

This came across my path this morning.

It's not one of the things I wanted to blog about from my trip but it's definitely one of my favorite topics. So I came across "10 Ways to Reduce your Environmental Footprint," and most of them are very doable. I think a lot of times we just don't think about the things we consume and the impact one little change can make.

Here's the list:

1. Eat less beef, pork, and lamb
2. Eat out at restaurants less often
3. Eat fewer dairy products
4. Drink fewer soft drinks
5. Eat seasonal and local fruits and vegetables
6. Eat fewer packaged snacks and junk food
7. Upgrade to an energy efficient refrigerator
8. Eat wild fish that are not endangered
9. Drink less bottled water
10. Walk to your local farmers market or grocery store

I already have been working on #1, #6 and #9. I've embarked on a vegetarian journey, I am working on buying my snacks out of the bins at stores like Henry's and bought a stainless steel water bottle for my water a couple months ago that I really love.

You can find the whole article here, and I think you'll be surprised at how much waste comes from cheese and soda. And it kind of blew my mind that "It takes 3 liters of water to produce 1 liter of bottled water." Check it out and let me know what you think.

I've got some things to say to you.

While I was away in Seattle I posted quite a few little picture blogs from my phone but I found myself unwilling to sit down and post a longer blog. Maybe it was the fact that every minute I was gone was planned out doing some activity with some person or maybe it was the vacation thing. You know that thing where you kind of don’t want to think about “real life” because you’re on vacation. Whatever it was, I thought about five different things that I really want to blog about, so look for the first one soon.

Things Seattle is famous for.

The Space Needle and amazing coffee.

Dick's is suppposed to be better than In-N-Out

There's all this hype about Dick's up here...so I tried it and for the record, In-N-Out puts Dick's to shame!

I gotta get home so I don't have to try anymore food things! :)