The Urban Dictionary

On my birthday here was the Urban Word of the Day, which was pretty fitting since it's exactly me for the past month or two. Trust me, I think Matt and Jolene can testify that I'm all kinds of crazy lately.

February 18: tired high

a state of altered perception brought on by a lack of sleep

when he started to hallucinate he wasn't sure if it was the weed or if he was just tired high

Now I don't smoke weed so when I start to hallucinate there really is no other reason except that I am SO tired. Sleep is a luxury my body won't give me...and it's gettting worse not better. I'm so tired of hearing my phone ring...except that it's not. I swear I hear it though...

My life feels so compartmentalized.

This could be because practically everything is in some sort of storage container now. Moving is so much work and I am determined to do it in the most organized and neat way that I can. So that means a lot of storage containers and of course packing.


This is actually better than it was. You can see the lovely walkway I left for myself. Luckily I made another trip to the storage unit today and my closet is officially 99.99% empty. Those pesky hangers have a lovely box waiting for them.


It's so weird to look in my closet which used to be EXTREMELY full and see nothing really. It makes me feel like I am making progress which is awesome since I should be out of my wonderful room by Friday. Only four more days. I'm gonna miss it here.

Then there is that wonderful thing that happens when you move...you find your old stuff that you totally forgot you have. Like the box with those crazy wooden transvestite disco clubbin' shoes that you bought randomly in HB and have worn once.


(Yes, I actually wore them once, it was Halloween and I was some kind of retro sixties Black Panther I think. Like "Power to the People" Black Panther, not like a cat.) Maybe I can find a picture somewhere....yep...sure did.

There they are...it really is my feet. You'll just have to believe me because although I look perfectly fine in this photo it's somewhat embarrassing for the Playboy bunny and bumblebee who share the photo with me. And yes, I fell down in those and had to hold Cindy's hand like the entire night.

But it was pretty cool being so tall for once.

Then there is the awesome leather suitcase that belonged to my great grandfather. The kind that you are sure has to have some cool travel story because it just looks like it does. Maybe it was the only suitcase he had when he came to California. It's pretty awesome and some day when I have my own place I'll proudly put it out somehow.



There it is, his name and address here in Cali. AC Guthary, 16673 San Bernadino, Fontana Calif.


Oh and of course, it's a Samsonite.

I can't believe moving day is almost here...

Oh, one more thing...

29 also isn't very easy on the old joints and body. I'm so achy and old lady feeling, I can't imagine how 40 will feel. My dad told me, and I quote "Just you wait, it gets worse!" Awesome advice from my 55 year old pops who will be 56 just three days after I turn 29. He gets the best present each and every year! ;)

Oh...and I have this new thing where my toes go numb. Which scares the crap out of me because bad circulation in your feet is why diabetic people get their feet removed! Aaah!

The big 2-9

I'm turning 29 very, very soon and I'm kind of freaking out.

Not like mid life crisis freaking out but more like I can't believe I'm turning 29 freaking out. I think it's kind of like the big 3-0 but worse, (or so I think now but ask me next year when I'm turning 30...holy crap...I'll be 30!)

There are all of these things that pop into my head about 29, I mean it's so close to 30 which just sounds old. I mean it's not really...but it sure sounds like it. Then I keep hearing well 30 is the new 20...and I don't want to be 20 again! I know people say that to try to make me feel better but the getting older part isn't really the hardest part. I like getting older. I mean as much as I still have to learn about so many things I do get wiser as I get older and I'm a much happier me than I was even last year.

So then why is 29 proving to be so difficult for me to swallow???

I'm gonna try my best to put into words what I am feeling and why I think this year is well, probably one of the worst birthdays I can remember...and it hasn't even happened yet! First there is the turmoil that is my job. You're laid off...you're not laid off...then you're laid off. I'm going to be turning 29 and as much as my job wasn't really what I wanted to be doing with my life it was a great job and now I'm not going to have a job at all. That's exciting and scary all at once. I don't even want to begin to focus on the stress that is going to come with resumes, interviews and job hunting. It's just around the corner and I'm faced with figuring out what exactly it is I want to do first. Do I want to go back to corporate America? Not really. It's just really not where I picture myself forever but the money is good so do I suffer through a corporate job for a few more years or do I do something different? Then there's the option of school, should I go back to school and finish what I originally went to college for, my art degree. I would love to teach art at the college level and let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger and there's at least two years of school before I could even do that but it's my dream. Always has been, no matter how much I pushed it aside. God made me happiest when I'm creating. But the prospect of another round of college; classes, school loans, a job that works with my school schedule, years of my life...it's a tough place to go back to.

Then there is moving home with my mom. It's really the absolute best option right now but it's not where anyone wants to be at 29...living with their parents. I hope I can make the best decisions for my life in the 2-3 months after I finish work and really only stay with my mom for that short amount of time because I think either she or I will probably kill one another if I stay too much longer than that. Honestly, my mom loves me and I love her but I know it's not going to be an easy adjustment. Then add my 17 year old sister and her 5 month old to the mix and I know there will be arguments that I can't even imagine. Lord, give me strength and most of all patience, because we all know I get frustrated in about the blink of an eye.

So while living with my mom I am forced to face the prospect of moving...to...fill in the blank. The world is my oyster! I can literally move anywhere but I am looking at Seattle and Portland and San Diego and Long Beach and longingly at San Francisco. Places that have schools that could fufill my dreams and cultures that will fill my mind and soul. The only problem is that going to school out of state is extremely expensive and going to school in CA is looking difficult with the amount of schools not accepting second baccalaureate candidates. It's scary to move away but I also think it would be a really wonderful thing for me. I just can't imagine not being able to see this beautiful face whenever I wanted to.


Then there is the whole reflection on my life thing that seems to come with every birthday for me, or the New Year for some people. I just don't feel like my life is what it should be at 29. I feel like such a kid in so many ways and that's not a good thing. I feel like I should have my own place by now, I should be working towards the things I want in life and like I'm so far behind without a husband or kids. I know that there is no rule that says "hey, by now you should be married with a house," and trust me I am more than happy just taking care of me and only me but when I spend my time at weddings and bridal showers and baby showers and bachelorette parties you can't help but see that pretty soon I'm going to be the only single one in my group of friends. It's just a kind of weird sensation. Plus my grandma telling me that my eggs are gonna dry up doesnt really help much either. haha.

I just want to feel like I have accomplished what I think I should have. I feel so ungrateful when I say that. It's a statement that makes me seem ungrateful for the things I have accomplished that God has so wonderfully given to me. I realize that there are many things that I have done that make me an accomplished, strong 29 year old woman but I guess it's a testament to my character to think that I haven't done enough and I know that I am not done yet. There is so much more I want to do and God willing I will accomplish it all.

I guess where I am in life right at this very moment dictates part of what is making 29 seem like it's such a hard pill to swallow. I'm young and old all at once in my head. (Apparently my looks haven't aged a day over 17 since I got carded at the movie theater the other night. I was so confused and I couldn't believe it!) I feel so accomplished yet at the same time I feel like I haven't completed anything. I'm losing my job and I'm moving in with my mom, yet I am thankful for where I am in life. I am so freaking uncomfortable and stressed out it's unreal. I sleep very little or not at all. I mean I actually find myself angry at the tv when the paid programming starts to come on at about 1 or 2 in the morning because that means I can't mindlessly lie in bed and watch television. Packing my room is so ridiculous and stressful. I'm just a mess. And pretty soon I'm just going to be a 29 year old mess.

Sigh...where does the time go?

99.9% of the time.

I am tired 99.9% of the time. Even when I'm sleeping I think I'm still tired. I need REST. True rest.

Mess, mess, mess

My relationship with God...
My room...
My job...
My friendships...
My health
My life in general...

It all seems like this giant MESS!

I know if I work on the first on on that list that the rest will follow suit, (except for maybe my room because it's just the mess brought on by someone trying to pack up all their ish so they can put it all neatly in storage...and it's pretty hopeless.)

I'm reminded of the ravens. And of Nehemiah. God will provide, no matter how hard it gets. I truly believe that and it's something that I must just LIVE right now.

29 is knockin' at my door...man, when did I get this old???

The stache is back.

It seems like mustaches are making a huge comeback. I came across a blog entry on famous musician mustaches. I have to say that #1 is quite possibly the most amazing mustache I have ever seen.

There is a newer entry from this month containing the following photo. Now that's amazing!

I heart Kevin and Bean

I love listening to Kevin and Bean in the morning. I mean they really make my morning most of the time. I laugh, sometimes I cringe. But I have to say that I think their word for January has taken it a little too far. Kevin and Bean always give each month a dirty or suggestive name, but I must say "Vaganuary" that's just gross.

My weekend.

Was great. I needed a really good weekend to just relax and remember how wonderful my life really is...and it is. It's really amazing despite all of the changes I have going on.

So, here it is...

I'm gonna start with Thursday only because I had coffee with Matt and I have really been enjoying all of the time we have been able to spend together lately. It never ceases to amaze me that every time we get together for dinner or coffee it lasts at least two hours. I think more than half the time Matt just listens to me talk at him. haha.

Friday I was lucky enough to have Rosine's with Brenda. I got her since Jesse wasn't around for "date night." We had a great dinner, as usual. We talked about any and everything and caught up on life since we don't seem to see each other enough anymore. Bums me out but that's what happens when you have schedules like ours. I tried to get her to come to the show but she decided to stay home and write her Sunday morning sermon. LAME! I'm kidding! :)

After dinner I ventured out to Riverside with Tony and Bobby to see Faith Snakes play. I always enjoy watching those boys play and I realize that I have made some really wonderful friends because of those shows.

It was an all around great time followed by Santana's which was, well...yummy.

There's Tones. I love this dude. He always listens no matter what, even when it's things that shouldn't really be said and he never judges. Just says, "It's cool. I know how it is." He's good people.

Oh Bobby...you embrace your new found love for hip hop! Love it!

I was lucky enough to meet a lot of really wonderful people because of Katy. Joseph is one that I am thankful for more and more each time I see him.

haha...oh Tyler.

Dylan and Zack were matchies! I think Zack actually got mistaken for Dylan at least once.

Joseph's talking to Katy through the joys of my G1. I have no idea what time it was for her but that lucky girl got a phone call from Tony and got to chat with Joseph and I. I think we made her feel pretty special that night. Especially since she was bummed that she was missing the show.

There's Dylan! Between him and his AMAZING wifey, they have been friends to me in amazing ways. You ever have those nights when someone totally just tells you something that you need to hear? Dylan told me something that night that was something that I think I really needed to hear but had no idea that I needed to hear it until after he said it. I'm so happy to have them in my life.

Russell's gonna be a daddy again soon. It was so cool to sit and talk to him about his family. He's got the most adorable lil' girl and I'm sure his baby boy will be just as cute. It's so crazy to see people who are younger than I am with their families. I can't imagine having a kid but I see people like Dano, Dylan and Russell and it's crazy to me that they have these little kids in their lives. I know I can't imagine but that it's just God reminding me that different life paths, choices and of course, God's plans, totally differ for each and everyone one of us. That's so cool when you really think about it.


On to Saturday. I wanted to go see my friend Carina but first I had to go work at the second job. Once I got home I got ready to go out and meet them in Long Beach at Carina and Mike's. I was barefoot headed towards the kitchen in a hurry for some reason when I tried to clear the baby gate and kicked it with my right foot...HARD! I thought I was just being a big baby so I put on my shoes and headed out. Once I got to Long Beach it was off to The Dubliner. I'm not allowed to show pics from that night due to an incident that occured. (I'm gonna keep my promise Mike.)

I woke up Sunday morning to a toe that was turning black and a foot that was turning shades of greenish purplish. I guess I really did hurt my poor little toe. It was kind of hard to take a picture of because the flash but you can definitely see the wonderful color that my little toe was turning (it's like that on the inside and underneath,) and then it's kind of hard to see but my foot under that toe got two wonderful bruises about the same size as the baby gate's top bar. It is making it hard to walk and I suspect I broke that little toe. Sigh...I'm a mess as usual. So the silly toe made it hard to get out for much of anything, I had lunch with Matty and then came back home to do some work. I worked, decided to miss a show I really wanted to go to because of the toe, headed out to Furnace, had some BJ's with some friends and then came back home to work some more.

So yeah, there you have it! A wonderful weekend all in all. Hopefully next weekend can stack up!

Last weekend.

Was a clean weekend. Thanks to a bridal shower and a baby shower, I was showered out.

First up, the beautiful Stacy's bridal shower. We went to this amazing location in Ladera Ranch called TSpoons and we cooked tapas and had a sommelier teach us about wine. It was a ton of fun and we got some great recipes.

The beautiful bride to be, Stacy.


That's my partner in crime Misty. We had the task of creating Miso Marinated Beef Asparagus Wrap thingies. Misty did all of the cutting...and I did all of the pounding. It took us about an hour to cut all the asparagus and pound all of the meat but we had fun doing it. Even if we had to dodge flying pieces of raw beef.



After we all ate our tapas we moved it inside for chocolate mousse and the fireplace.

Nicole squared. We had a ton of fun together.

The next day it was on to Denise's baby shower. I can't wait to meet Levi. Here is Es holding Alanna. They're both adorable.

Then there is the beautiful mommy to be. Congratulations Denise!