"I am utterly alone."

Do you ever get that feeling that you are totally alone? I’m not really referring to being devoid of a Godly presence in your life; I’m referring to being lonely for other people. It’s such a cheesy reference, but I think of Lydia in Beetle Juice when she decides she wants to jump off the bridge and she begins her note with “I am alone,” then she scratches it out and writes, “I am utterly alone.” It’s one of the worst feelings ever, loneliness.

Lately I have been…I don’t want to say struggling, but kind of wrestling with the whole loneliness issue. I make very deliberate decisions when it comes to people in my life. The older I get the more I learn that people come into your life for a reason, but that reason isn’t necessarily so that they will be your life long friend. Some people are meant to remain strangers or acquaintances, it isn’t a bad thing, it just is.

In learning from some past failures in the friendship department, I know that having close relationships is important but I also know that I have to be careful who I choose to place in those coveted positions. Trust is important, likes and dislikes are important, similar values are important, reciprocation is important, learning and growing from and with one another is important. So many things are important in relationships, and once you decide what is important to you it’s important that you make the right choices and are picky about who gets those coveted places of trust and love in your life.

So…that said. I don’t want this to seem like I am complaining about the close friends I have, or the fact that I don’t have many. Quantity is not important. And the close friends I do have I absolutely adore, but it really comes down to the relationships I have with those people. They are all different and in all honesty they aren’t relationships where we really spend a lot of time together. I would say that the person who knows me best is someone I talk to daily…but see maybe once every week or two for a short period of time. Another very important person to me is someone I absolutely adore and share a very special, deep bond with but she and I don’t talk or see one another on a regular basis. That doesn’t mean our friendship is any less important to me, it just means our time together is limited. Then there are a couple people on that list that I talk to but don’t get to see at all because of distance or circumstances, like kids and husbands. There is one person I would say I get to talk to daily that really makes an effort to see me and for her I am truly grateful but it makes me wonder about some of the other people and relationships I really care about.

Don’t get me wrong, I really truly love these people I call friends and I think they definitely know that but I also get really upset sometimes because to feel rejection and pain from those people is probably one of the worst things for me. Without getting into my personal struggles and issues, acceptance and feeling and knowing I am loved are extremely important to me. And the way that I know and understand that generally comes from spending time with people. It just seems that lately no matter how many attempts I make to see people or spend some quality time with them, they can’t seem to find the time for me. Then I generally get doubly upset when I become the only person who makes the effort to find time to spend with them. I’ve lived in those relationships before, and I don’t like to be the only person making an effort and eventually I won’t do it.

So it becomes a question again of reevaluation for me. Reevaluating relationships isn’t fun for me, but I think it’s necessary to understand what may have changed. Sometimes people change, sometimes the relationship changes, sometimes nothing changes. We have to realize that there will be times when we can not change with the people around us, even if we want to…sometimes relationships and people outgrow one another. It’s hard and painful, but is it better to be lonely than to feel like your relationships are hollow or separated from one another? I honestly can’t answer that.

I know there are people who love me, and people that I love in return. I know I have family and friends but that doesn’t change that I am lonely. It’s not the people…it’s the kind of relationships I have. I can talk to certain people about certain things, and then there are things that I find that I can’t seem to share with anyone. Is it because I am missing the relationship where that conversation can be had, possibly; or is it that I am failing to see that there is already someone I can share those feelings with…that’s possible too.

Then there is also the reality of the kinds of relationships I have, since the majority of people I am close too aren’t people I see on a daily or weekly basis, there will be a lot of time spent alone. I love to spend time alone, but I also love people and being out with the people I love. It’s a total catch 22…and I really don’t know what to do about this one. There are people who have really let me down in this area, and honestly I’m ok with that. I know that time is something that people must decide to spend in ways they think are wise and I definitely don’t want to force time with me on anyone…but at the same time it makes me really wonder. Perhaps God wants me to spend my time focused on something else right?, some other part(s) of my life that is truly disjointed and needs attention. But then there is the fact that I really need human interaction to help me be happy, it’s something I learned about myself over the past year after several meetings with a very wise man. I need people time to be happy. Its part of who I am, so it doesn’t surprise me that when that is missing I feel less loved, more lonely, less like myself.

I guess, before I ramble on anymore about it, it really comes down to figuring out what’s not quite right and understanding what I need to do to change that. God has given me an ample amount of tools and resources and I really, truly believe I can get myself through anything and that I am never truly alone. But at the same time, I need people. It’s just that simple. Talk about an oxymoron.