Is there a severance package in my future?

UPDATE: It's all over the place now, so it does look like WaMu is looking for a buyer, actively looking for one. I hope to God my job is safe for awhile. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little scared about this one.

Looks like there might be, we'll see how it pans out.

http://dealbook.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/17/washington-mutual-begins-auction-to-sell-itself/?ref=business

sigh...

"I am utterly alone."

Do you ever get that feeling that you are totally alone? I’m not really referring to being devoid of a Godly presence in your life; I’m referring to being lonely for other people. It’s such a cheesy reference, but I think of Lydia in Beetle Juice when she decides she wants to jump off the bridge and she begins her note with “I am alone,” then she scratches it out and writes, “I am utterly alone.” It’s one of the worst feelings ever, loneliness.

Lately I have been…I don’t want to say struggling, but kind of wrestling with the whole loneliness issue. I make very deliberate decisions when it comes to people in my life. The older I get the more I learn that people come into your life for a reason, but that reason isn’t necessarily so that they will be your life long friend. Some people are meant to remain strangers or acquaintances, it isn’t a bad thing, it just is.

In learning from some past failures in the friendship department, I know that having close relationships is important but I also know that I have to be careful who I choose to place in those coveted positions. Trust is important, likes and dislikes are important, similar values are important, reciprocation is important, learning and growing from and with one another is important. So many things are important in relationships, and once you decide what is important to you it’s important that you make the right choices and are picky about who gets those coveted places of trust and love in your life.

So…that said. I don’t want this to seem like I am complaining about the close friends I have, or the fact that I don’t have many. Quantity is not important. And the close friends I do have I absolutely adore, but it really comes down to the relationships I have with those people. They are all different and in all honesty they aren’t relationships where we really spend a lot of time together. I would say that the person who knows me best is someone I talk to daily…but see maybe once every week or two for a short period of time. Another very important person to me is someone I absolutely adore and share a very special, deep bond with but she and I don’t talk or see one another on a regular basis. That doesn’t mean our friendship is any less important to me, it just means our time together is limited. Then there are a couple people on that list that I talk to but don’t get to see at all because of distance or circumstances, like kids and husbands. There is one person I would say I get to talk to daily that really makes an effort to see me and for her I am truly grateful but it makes me wonder about some of the other people and relationships I really care about.

Don’t get me wrong, I really truly love these people I call friends and I think they definitely know that but I also get really upset sometimes because to feel rejection and pain from those people is probably one of the worst things for me. Without getting into my personal struggles and issues, acceptance and feeling and knowing I am loved are extremely important to me. And the way that I know and understand that generally comes from spending time with people. It just seems that lately no matter how many attempts I make to see people or spend some quality time with them, they can’t seem to find the time for me. Then I generally get doubly upset when I become the only person who makes the effort to find time to spend with them. I’ve lived in those relationships before, and I don’t like to be the only person making an effort and eventually I won’t do it.

So it becomes a question again of reevaluation for me. Reevaluating relationships isn’t fun for me, but I think it’s necessary to understand what may have changed. Sometimes people change, sometimes the relationship changes, sometimes nothing changes. We have to realize that there will be times when we can not change with the people around us, even if we want to…sometimes relationships and people outgrow one another. It’s hard and painful, but is it better to be lonely than to feel like your relationships are hollow or separated from one another? I honestly can’t answer that.

I know there are people who love me, and people that I love in return. I know I have family and friends but that doesn’t change that I am lonely. It’s not the people…it’s the kind of relationships I have. I can talk to certain people about certain things, and then there are things that I find that I can’t seem to share with anyone. Is it because I am missing the relationship where that conversation can be had, possibly; or is it that I am failing to see that there is already someone I can share those feelings with…that’s possible too.

Then there is also the reality of the kinds of relationships I have, since the majority of people I am close too aren’t people I see on a daily or weekly basis, there will be a lot of time spent alone. I love to spend time alone, but I also love people and being out with the people I love. It’s a total catch 22…and I really don’t know what to do about this one. There are people who have really let me down in this area, and honestly I’m ok with that. I know that time is something that people must decide to spend in ways they think are wise and I definitely don’t want to force time with me on anyone…but at the same time it makes me really wonder. Perhaps God wants me to spend my time focused on something else right?, some other part(s) of my life that is truly disjointed and needs attention. But then there is the fact that I really need human interaction to help me be happy, it’s something I learned about myself over the past year after several meetings with a very wise man. I need people time to be happy. Its part of who I am, so it doesn’t surprise me that when that is missing I feel less loved, more lonely, less like myself.

I guess, before I ramble on anymore about it, it really comes down to figuring out what’s not quite right and understanding what I need to do to change that. God has given me an ample amount of tools and resources and I really, truly believe I can get myself through anything and that I am never truly alone. But at the same time, I need people. It’s just that simple. Talk about an oxymoron.

Plaid.

Plaid has been popping up in my life a lot lately. Two new shirts and a dress...all plaid, (and all three for under $25! I know, I'm a bargain shopper.) Plaid is awesome.

The proof is in the pudding.

Well, I have done this celebrity look alike thingy at least three times and EVERY time it comes up that Beyonce is my celebrity look alike by at least 95%. And I'm not complaining because I think she's absolutely gorgeous.

Also, at least three times in the past three months I have been asked if I was Asian. Now don't get me wrong some of my favorite people are Asian but I just don't think I look like I am Asian...but apparently I do. The second person on my celebrity look-a-like thingy...Sammi Cheng, a Chinese singer. Wikipedia says, "Sammi Cheng Sau-Man is a Hong Kong Cantopop singer and actress. Having enjoyed much success in the Hong Kong music industry, Sammi has been known as a diva."

So, I look most like a black girl, a Chinese girl and then a White girl. haha.

AND...I see at least three divas in my list. Coincidence? haha. I love these things.

I want to embrace the ghettoness of life

Sometimes I just have a huge urge to just fully embrace my ghetto fabulosity.

I want earrings...gold ones with my name on them, or better yet a nickname. Gold earrings that say TwoTone.

I want a ring that is similar to brass knuckles, covers all of my fingers and says "Nicole" but in fantastic graffiti writing. (This one's going to happen people, Whitney's gonna design it for me. It pays to know a jeweler and a jewelry designer.)

I want to be pimpin' in 3D.

I almost bought an Apple Bottom fidora...I regret that I let it slip through my fingers.

All I seem to be able to listen to lately is hip hop and R&B. Kanye, Estelle, John Legend, Luda, Usher, R Kelly, you name it I'm listening.

I want a fake fur coat. Emphasis on the FAKE.

I want an afro again.

I want a traffic jam booty.

the amazing wonder that is boba.

I was lucky enough to have boba yesterday and today Debi asked me why I like boba so much. I didn't really have an answer for her so I thought about it and here are some of the many reasons that I LOVE boba.

A picture of my boba from yesterday. It's from my absolute favorite boba place, Boba Smoothie in Costa Mesa.



1. You can have boba in thai tea, in a slush (my particular favorite,) in a smoothie, on shaved ice.
2. You can choose from a ton of flavors. I am simple and stick to the strawberry slush but I actually heard a lady order a pineapple, banana, coconut, strawberry flavored item.
3. Boba is wonderful, smooshy, warm and awesome.
4. It's not good or bad for you.
5. It makes me smile.
6. Boba can be hard or soft...it'll get frozen if you get it in a slush or on shaved ice.
7. It's FANTASTIC.

Calling all men...

First, let me begin by saying this blog isn't directed at one particular person. So if you're thinking it must be about you...it's not...so stop it!

It seems to me that the more I observe guys my age it seems that they prefer to persue the 21 to 23 year old girls. Let me be perfectly clear, it's not that I am desperately seeking and looking for a man, I'm pretty content with my single status and willing to remain single rather than settle on a less than perfect mate.

But I'm constantly listening to my friends complain about meeting girls that don't want the same things in life. Your twenties are a huge time of change in your life and 21 to 28 is a huge difference. Often older girls who have a ton to offer are overlooked for the hotter, younger girl. If you're looking for someone with similar ideals it will probably help to search a bit closer to your age, especially in your twenties.

I look at who I was at 21 and who I am now and 21 year old Nicole would never recognize 28 year old Nicole. Just think of how much you have changed and then think of how much the 21 year old you're dating will change. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but from what I see, there really aren't many.

I'm tired of listening to my friends being wounded men, stop barking up the wrong tree and make a better choice and then maybe, just maybe, you'll find the happiness you seek.

Oh and ladies it goes both ways...I'm just saying...

Daddy and Corre, perfect dinner mates

Tuesday night I had dinner with my dad and Corre. Just so happened that daddy was down to look at, (and fix,) my car. (Thanks Daddy!) I was already gonna have dinner with Corre so dad came along and Corre was lucky enough to meet my dad and spend an hour or so with him. My dad and I talked about all kinds of things; Corre listened mostly to a lot of old stories and some new ones. I think we all had a really good time; here are some highlights / things I didn’t really remember.

•My dad actually had a dog named “Sid Vicious”
•I want to go to a demolition derby
•My dad used to work on really, really expensive cars that I realize now that I had never heard of before or since. How about you? ever heard of a Pantera?
•Deacon was my favorite, the best shop dog ever. The guys used to hold me upside down and let the dog lick my face.
•I used to go to work with my dad a lot. I’m lucky I still have all of my fingers and toes. A six year old shouldn’t probably go to work with their dad when he owns a body shop with power tools, sharp things and chemicals that burn your skin off.
•I used to play house at my dad’s shop using an old truck bench seat as a couch and a piece of carpet as my living room.
•Another reason you shouldn’t bring your young daughter to work with you when you work at an auto shop: Snap On auto parts girls and other semi naked women plastered on the inside of every door.
•My dad has owned a lot of animals…A LOT.
•He still expects me to spread his ashes and the dogs together after he dies, (probably in Death Valley,)…God give me strength.
•My dad is an amazing hunter / fisherman.
•Corre is a really good listener.
•There are a lot of things that I still don’t know about the man I call dad. It’s so easy to forget that he had a life before Nicole and that it was really different.
•My dad had some shady acquaintances.
•Someday my dad’s going to live some place where there are no people and he has to go out and catch his food. And there he will be perfectly happy.
•I love my dad. I miss him when I don’t see him and I love visiting with him when I do.

Wednesday night dinner.

As I sit here eating my leftovers from BJ’s last night I can’t help but reflect on my dinner. Here are some of the highlights.

•Grilled Chicken Pasta – my recommendation for an amazing dinner / lunch leftover session
•It’s always entertaining when the man at the table across from your table has really long blondish hair and a tie dyed looking bandana tied around his head, kind of like an old guy that used to be a hippie and rides a Harley. It’s even more entertaining when he leaves the table and then comes back wearing with a fur hat with the ear flaps tied up.
•Sometimes it’s nice just to complain…and it’s nice if the person who’s with you just kind of lets you do it.
•On the flip side, complaining really gets you no where and there really is no point to it.
•As horrible as this may sound, it’s nice to find out that someone who rubs you the wrong way also rubs someone else the wrong way. It’s like confirmation that you aren’t crazy.
•Ghosts / spirits whatever you wanna call them, are a product of either the power of suggestion or psychological problems. This would make me an easily influenced psychologically unstable person who believes in supernatural things. (haha...not at all what I think or what was implied but it’s still pretty funny.)
•It’s a smaller world than you think…especially if you have lived in Corona for more than a year or two.
•God really does affect, influence and react to all of us differently. It’s really an awesome thing to know that our experiences are our own and that God has chosen to interact with each of us differently.
•If you listen you can learn a lot from someone else. They can teach you things about how they see the world and how that relates to God. Then you not only get to see a glimpse into who they are as a person but also a glimpse of the fact that God really is so much bigger than it all.
•Olympic divers have massive legs.
•There is no way to make a bad thing sound good, no matter how well you’re handling it.
•I talk a lot. Haha…shocker I know!
•Driving home with the windows down and Johnny Cash playing on your radio = one of the best things ever.

All in all...it was a good night.

When I think about the Olympics...

Michael Phelps comes to mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah he made Olympic history...blah, blah, blah...but has anyone happened to notice his body? I mean, c'mon...look at him.



I'm really not trying to be crass or anything like that, I am actually amazed that a person can train their body to perform like his does and to look like that. It makes me realize first, that we are amazing creations and second, that I need to start going to the gym. I mean let's face it, if you don't watch the Olympics and look at people like Phelps and 41 year old Dara Torres and think "Oh man...I could look like THAT!" Then I think you're probably not human, or you're already perfect and therefore extremely narcissistic.

Anyone up for a run after work??