"kind of dicked next to each other"

Ok, before you get crazy on me for my foul language...it was a typo in an email I sent to a friend of mine but it still seems to sum things up so nicely. We were discussing some of the things we have going on in our lives and she was telling me that it seems like we are kind of in the same boat...and I responded to her saying "Nah, not the same boat, just kind of dicked next to each other." I meant to say "docked" but after we laughed about it we both realized that dicked seemed more fitting.

Now before I start "complaining" please let me say this…I know I’m not dying and things could be way worse. It’s not the worst it can be and believe me…I realize this…I also realize that it’s going to get better too. So as much as I know all of these things I still FEEL crappy. Feeling and knowing…two very different things, so please don’t misunderstand what I write. Or misunderstand all you want…that’s fine too…for the three people that actually read my blog I think you know me well enough to know that I KNOW it will get better and that I will come out of this to an exponentially greater situation. Believe me…I KNOW that…now on to how I FEEL.

I feel miserable. Inadequate. Discarded. Completely defeated. Misunderstood and misrepresented. And a whole host of other adjectives that tend to have negative connotations.

It just seems to be coming at me from every angle lately. It all started with a few prophetic words from Jason Ramos...I'm kidding. (Jason, if you ever read this...that was just for you!) I'll be honest, I think this blog is more for me than it is for all of you...actually I'm sure of it. So if you want a little glimpse into my life read on, and if it gets to be too lengthy for you that's ok with me. It's probably going to be a long one, but then again do I really know how to write a short blog??? The evidence would point to "No."

Let's start with my job. It's been difficult to say the least. Laid off twice, asked to stay twice. Then watching people leave that I should have left with. It's not easy. Yes, I am thankful that I have a job until June 30th but I am also ready for it to be over. I feel like I come to work everyday and the rest of my life sits and waits for me to finish work so that I can see what life has for me. 7 days before 01/29 I had to reevaluate and then 12 days before 03/31 I had to reevaluate again. It's an easy and difficult decision at the same time. A paycheck isn't everything that work is all about and there are positives and negatives about staying. Especially when my company and my job aren't what they used to be. Thankful as I am for my job and my continued employment with Chase I miss Washington Mutual. When you work for a company for most of your adult life you get used to the people and the quirkiness and it's strange to miss a corporation...but I really do. I miss WaMu. Most of all I miss the people. I lost a member of my team on 01/29 that I was supposed to leave with and she was probably the person I miss most from my day to day interactions at the office. (Minus my IM relationship with my boss and good friend.) Then yesterday came and went and I lost 12 of my closest working relationships. I lost my boss and amazing friend Leigh, and two more members of my team. Then I lost my first team, the team that I came from before this team. All but one of the people I worked with when I first came to Irvine are gone. We laughed, we reminisced and yes...we cried. I cried like a baby at one point. These people, who I see more than I see my family, I won't get to see everyday any longer. People who have made a huge impact on my life...gone. The room they all sat in is empty today. I can't hear them all joking and laughing and working...it's just quiet. It's bittersweet to be here today. I can't wait to work from home again tomorrow. It will be a welcome distraction from the changes that have happened here in Irvine. Where we once occupied all four building on the campus and now occupy one...and share rooms, losing our cubicles to employees who will have permanent jobs with Chase. Being in a temporary state in a place that used to feel so permanent and secure. I am thankful to be here, but I'm so saddened over the whole thing. It's so emotional that I can't describe it all. The feelings that so many people seem to share...losing a job in hopes of gaining so much more. I am confident that 95% of the people that leave here will end up in a much better situation where they find a fulfillment and appreciation that they never quite had here, but change is hard and scary and inevitable. I guess getting laid off offers one support...a severance package.

Then comes the remaining pieces of my life. I don't even know where to begin. The feeling of inadequacy I have around all of it is crushing. It's like this heavy feeling of failure in all aspects.

I'm 29 years old and I live with my mom. (Granted this came out of a circumstance out of my control but it still feels like I have failed to be an adult in the most fundamental of ways, providing myself a place to live.) It's a temporary situation that brings all of these weird feelings with it that I'm not used to. The lack of personal space is extremely difficult. As much as I love my 12 year old brother, I don't want to share a room with him. I find it difficult to read in a house that has constant movement and noise. It's next to impossible to nap. It's hard to sleep in a twin sized bed that creaks and moans if you move one little inch. It's hard on my dog and my nerves. And living out of storage bins and bags and boxes about drives me crazy. I look for the same shirt 5 times and then finally find it in the bin I originally thought it was in. My brain doesn't know if it can handle algebra homework, and car rides and arguments. I love my family, I'm thankful for my mom offering me a temporary place to stay and as much as I love seeing them everyday my sanity is, well I'm losing it. It's just that it feels like moving backwards. Although temporary and probably the smartest thing I could do in the long run it's not easy. Sometimes I want to cry but let's be honest if I did that everyone would know since I would have to do it in the middle of the living room. I never thought sitting on the edge of the bathtub for 10 minutes could be so relaxing...but if you turn on the fan in there you almost can't hear whatever else is going on in the rest of the house. It's magical! It's the little things I guess. 10 minutes of peace...it goes a long way.

Speaking of peace, there seems to be none of it in some of my situations. I don't really know what else to call them at this point but there are two that bring me an especially intense amount of pain, anxiety, irritation and confusion. I DEFINITELY am not willing to be an open book about either of them but I know that the fact that these things are invaded my dreams and conversations and thoughts on a multiple times a day basis is God shouting at me to find some resolution but that's just it...what??? It's a constant battle of my mind and heart of what to do. I want to do what's right, not what FEELS right because I want to find resolution now just feel better about it. Because in the long run I need to resolve them both not just feel better about them for now.

Another thing that brings me intense feelings of inadequacy are the constant reminders from people that I am not married. Big freaking deal! I know I'm almost 30, I hear it ALL the time, but I'm perfectly happy alone. I mean sure it'd be nice to have someone around but there's not something wrong with me because I don't. Lately it's been question after question after question about boyfriends and husbands and it's just irritating. I date people, just because I don't tell everyone or find one that's worth an extended relationship doesn't mean I'm broken. It gets to me...if people say it enough you begin to believe it. I hope I am never that person who makes someone feel the way the people have made me feel. I am not inadequate because I am alone and I hate feeling that way.

Then there's this nagging feeling that I'm not where God would want me to be. I guess I think I'm not doing enough and really if I felt like I was I guess that wouldn't be the best things either, but when everything else seems to be just floating around I would love to feel accomplished in some area. I feel closer to God than I ever have in a lot of ways but along with that comes this intense feeling like I'm not doing enough of what He wants me to be doing. It's frustrating.

Then on top of it all is this horrible feeling that I'm completely misunderstood. I know I'm definitely not the feel good sweetheart of the bunch. I'm cranky and blunt and I can be pretty stubborn and difficult to deal with. I know all of this, but lately it seems like my friends, (the people who know this about me and thank God, love me anyways,) seem to be taking the things I say or do out of context. Or as mean. Maybe I'm just being insensitive lately. It is something I have to work on because I know that most people can't handle my personality as it is so I work on it. Not being so honest and mean and forthcoming, I've learned I don't have to say everything I think. But it's difficult when the people who you need to understand you when nothing else makes sense...don't.

I guess that's all for now. I've been working on this silly blog for three days now. I feel like I've been complaining way too much but I had to get some of it out. I know there are much worse things out there. I have a friend right now who is extremely sick and I look at her life and I know there's nothing to this emotional mess I am. (By the way, if you're a prayer person please pray for my friend.)

Alright, I'm done complaining now.